It’s 3 a.m. Another cup of tea gets cold as I sweat over two floor plans for my new offices. The first plan was created by design architects and uses the space and budget most efficiently. The second plan, less professionally drawn and less space-efficient, is my own. It also costs a lot more. Before leaving for a trip out of town, I accepted the first plan. But I spent the afternoon cross-legged on the cement floor, gazing at the dry walls put up while I was away. The panoramic view over the park and mountains in the distance was now sliced into office-sized chunks. The natural light in the reception area was gone, and the conference room needed constant artificial lighting. Dare I change this now? Could I afford to change this now? Should I not just live with it?
The conversation with the builder the next day didn’t go well. No, they couldn’t change it now. No, they couldn’t start again; another job was lined up. No, the materials used for the dry walls couldn’t be reused. No, the roof wasn’t strong enough to support the sliding glass doors in my plan. No, there was no cash in the budget for further renovations. If I wanted this changed, I would have to manage and pay for it myself. Could I not learn to live with it?
When last did someone tell you that you can’t change it now, or start again, or use what you already have, or that you aren’t strong enough, or that you’ve invested so much already, why would you want to change it? And, if you insist on making a change, be that in your own head! Couldn’t you just learn to live with it?
Let me briefly explain dry walls in case building is not your thing. Hard walls are made of bricks and mortar. They’re immovable unless you demolish them with great force and piles of rubble. Dry walls, however, are made of hardboard and fitted into light metal frames, which means they can be removed and replaced when a new layout is required. Once painted and neatly finished, dry walls look like hard walls, but when you knock on them, you find they are hollow.
The next day I became a building supervisor. The walls came down, one by one. The light came back in. The glass wall of folding doors ran on tracks, so no need to hang them from a beam. We have enjoyed the light and space for many years now, and I would do it again. But it did take time, effort and money. I sold a car I bought the previous year to pay for it. But then, life is not free. The alternative can end up costing you more disappointment, frustration, and wishing it were different.
Our own Dry Walls
We all have hard walls; our personality, our genetic makeup, and the choices we’ve made in the past. But we too have dry walls that we can take down and replace; the beliefs, thinking patterns, and assumptions we have about ourselves, about life, and about work.
Here are some dry walls you may want to consider taking down:
- Walls of Perfectionism. A good value becomes a liability when we take it to a ridiculous extreme; perfectionism is one of them. Aiming for excellence is a good value, but perfectionism is a liability. It stops us from starting something because we can’t do it perfectly. It prevents us from finishing anything because it’s never perfect enough. It stops us from making decisions, just in case we get it wrong. Taking down this wall means giving up having to be perfect, and instead, starting imperfectly and becoming better every day.
- Walls of Low Frustration Tolerance. This wall makes us give up as soon as something gets difficult or uncomfortable. We are easily frustrated when things don’t work immediately and give up when things do not work as easily as anticipated. To take down this wall means giving up the idea that everything must be quick, easy, and effortless. Instead, we can become our own heroes and keep going, even when the road is tough.
- Walls of Resistance to Change. This wall is about resisting change in how we do things or digging in our heels when things change around us. ‘It’s always been like this: why change?’ we ask. ‘What was wrong with it before?’ Change may seem dangerous, but not changing often comes with a higher risk. Just because we’ve always done it a certain way doesn’t mean we must keep doing it that way. Taking down this wall means giving up that things stay the same and embracing change in an ever-evolving world.
- Walls of the Past. Letting go of the past can be difficult, but we must remind ourselves we can’t change it. Not an inch of it. We can learn from it, and we can reframe negative experiences. But we cannot change what happened or the choices we made along the way. Instead, we can learn to appreciate what it has given us and learn from what hasn’t worked. All we have the power to change is what we do today and the next day if that is granted to us. Taking down this wall means giving up that we must change our past before we can change our future.
- Walls of Know-it-All. If we think we know it all, we know very little. This wall stops us from being curious and learning new things. Taking down this wall means giving up needing to know everything and have an answer or advice in every situation. By taking down this wall, we can learn to listen better, ask better questions, and become lifelong learners; there’s plenty more to know.
- Walls of Self-Sufficiency: This wall insists: “I must do this alone. I must find the answer on my own. I can’t make this anyone else’s problem.” None of us can solve everything alone, nor is it necessary. Taking down this wall means giving up needing to do everything yourself and to find all the answers yourself. Asking for help and advice is not a sign of weakness, but one of perseverance. It helps us achieve things we couldn’t have done on our own, and who knows, there may be a better way to get it done.
- Walls of Negativity. With this wall in our way, we only see what’s bad and what can go wrong, assuming the worst will happen. We have a ‘yes, but…’ for every solution. We believe everyone is against us, and nothing will work out anyway, so why try? This wall fuels depression and robs us of the energy we need to move forward. Negative things are happening in the world every day. But there are also amazing things happening, but with our negative shades on, we won’t notice them. Taking down this wall means giving up, seeing only what can go wrong and noticing what is going right, then finding ways to make the world a better place where we are.
- Walls of Approval. With this wall in our way, we seek approval for every move. We may want to serve, help, and make a difference, but in the process, we become overly concerned about what others think and can take responsibility for things that are not ours. Not everyone will understand the path we take, and that’s okay. Taking down this wall means letting go of everyone’s approval, including the audience in your head, and with the best we know, to bravely take the next step.
- Walls of fear. If we didn’t experience fear, we would do some crazy and reckless things. The safe-keeping part of our brain is there to protect us, but it’s not always good at distinguishing whether this is a physical danger or the fear of a perfectly normal life situation. Taking down this wall means asking ourselves: ‘What is the worst thing that could happen if I do this?’ And if our life is not in mortal danger, we should feel the feeling and do it anyway.
Walls of Defeat. It’s easy to lose hope and give up. There are so many things that can and do go wrong. Disappointments. Rejection. Illness. Failed plans. Depression. Lack of purpose. Losing a job. A business that is falling apart. Running out of money. Each day can be a challenge, but the biggest danger for us all is waiting for something to change and not becoming an active partner in changing it. Hope comes from taking even the smallest action: making a call, reading something helpful, or having a conversation with someone. Taking down this wall means bravely taking the next best step, one day at a time, even if we have no idea where it will take us.
Replacing walls
Taking down our office walls was not a quick fix, nor is taking down walls of beliefs that hold us back. We don’t suddenly give up demanding things go our way or ask for help if that doesn’t come naturally. The first step is to recognise the walls in our way and remind ourselves that they are not who we are; they are only how we have learned to think. The second step is to challenge them actively. We can challenge our perfectionism by asking who is judging us, if not ourselves. Or ask where it’s written that everything must be easy. Or challenge our view that the world is only bad! Or challenge our assumption that it won’t work before we put in the effort. The third step is to put up more helpful walls and glass panels in their place. When we took down the walls in the office, we didn’t leave the space empty. We installed new dry walls and glass panels that didn’t block out the light. We positioned the walls so that you could see the mountains beyond even from the furthest corner of the back office. We, too, cannot only take down walls of beliefs; we also need to replace them with more helpful ones, walls that will set us free to be kinder to ourselves, kinder to other people, set us free to make new choices, find new ways to grow, and to be braver. Here are five dry walls I think are worth putting up in their place, with lots of glass panels along the way.
- Walls of Acceptance: Putting up this wall means giving up, having to be perfect, doing everything well, and always being OK. It invites us to try new things and learn without having to get it right the first time. It reminds us we don’t have to be good at everything and can ask for help. We accept there are good and tough days; that, too, is part of the journey. Where can you be kinder to yourself today?
- Walls of Choice: We only make a choice when we take action. Up till then, we are only thinking about it. How long have you been sitting on a dream, a project, something you’ve always wanted to do, but it’s still on your vision board or going around in your head? Maybe it’s time to make some new choices. It may mean taking a walk this morning to start an exercise regime, having a bash at the first chapter of a book, or getting a brochure from a place of learning. What new choice can you make today?
- Walls of Growth: We are designed to grow. When a child stops growing, we know something is wrong. When a plant doesn’t thrive in our garden, we move it to a different spot. When we stop growing, boredom, discontent, and unease set in, and despite how much we may be doing and earning, it’s often a call for new growth. How can you start growing again?
- Walls of Gratitude: I believe gratitude is at the top of the spiritual ladder. There is always something to be grateful for. Life is not just what we see but what we notice. When times are difficult, we may need to focus on what hasn’t changed: the people who are still there for us, and the everyday things around us we are grateful for. What are you grateful for today?
- Walls of Bravery: It’s not enough to be passionate in the workplace; we also have to be brave. Life brings many crossroads and challenges. Each of them calls us to be brave, to push ourselves beyond what we have tried before, to try something we may not have done before, and be willing to stick our necks out. More often than not, we don’t know if it’s the right path until we walk on it. It’s brave to make choices that not everyone in our lives understands. It’s brave to tackle depression and anxiety. It’s brave to job hunt when jobs are scarce, or we run out of energy. It’s brave to start something we believe in when there is no guarantee of success. The good news is we don’t have to climb Mount Everest to be brave; beginning the day with new hope may be the bravest thing we do. How can you be braver today?
Back to the Light
I hope the light floods back in as you replace dry walls of your own. I hope you see the park’s green grass in front of you and the mountains in the distance. I hope you get a spring in your step again. I hope you get scared and try new things anyway. And I hope you feel proud of yourself for doing them. I hope you notice the sun that comes in every day. I hope you see the everyday things that make your life a blessing. And most of all, I hope you are kinder to yourself.
Taking down dry walls will cost us our comfort zone, time, and wallet. But life is not free; we pay for it either way. I would rather pay for the light; how about you?
Copyright: Andrew Bramley 2024. All Rights Reserved.