Behaviour is a Choice

I noticed as the Christmas season drew nearer how the driving on the roads got decidedly worse. On a single trip to town, I witnessed one accident and two near misses as one car cut in front of another to get ahead, while another tried unsuccessfully to pass on the inside shoulder of the road. With a full highway, no one got there any faster, but the chances of a collision were decidedly higher.

It occurred to me that how we drive our car is not too different from how we drive our work lives.

If we wanted to describe someone’s road behaviour, we might mention two things; how they drive their vehicle and how they treat other drivers on the road. Some drivers are skilful, but are pushy, arrogant, and positively rude to other road users. Other drivers are perfectly pleasant, but their driving is awful. 

I often meet clients who tell me ‘I’m a driver’ like it’s a personality type. And there is some truth in that since some people do drive harder than others. But it’s also true that we are all drivers, we just drive differently.

The good news is we can change the way we drive and how we treat other people without needing to change ourselves, the road conditions, or even the weather.

Driving Choices on the road

Let’s consider four ways of driving on the road. There are of course an infinite variety of choices, not only four, but grouping them together makes them easier to recognise, and to change.

1. The Aggressive Driver

The aggressive driver is easy to recognise. They are pushy and rude, often bullying other drivers on the road. They believe the N1 was built for them exclusively and that if everyone did things their way, the traffic would work as it should. They quickly get angry, impatient and finger pointing, judging people in cars that aren’t like theirs or don’t drive like they do. And if the traffic for some reason comes to a halt, they jump out of the car shouting at whoever is in earshot and instructing others to get out of their way. They cause themselves significant distress along the way and make enemies as they do. Their number plate reads: ‘MYWAY WP’. 

2. The Sulky Driver

The sulky driver spends a lot of time complaining about everybody else on the road, the conditions of the road and the weather along the way. If someone hoots to hurry them up, they slow down. In the unlikely event they are in the fast lane, they drive at the speed limit not allowing anyone to pass, just to ensure everyone else sticks to the rules. In the UK you can get fined for that, but not here. The sulky driver only uses tried and tested routes, since trying a different route might be dangerous and probably won’t work, so rather avoid it.  Their number plate reads: ‘LIFESUCKS WP’.

3. The Pushover Driver

The pushover driver wants no trouble on the road, so they allow everyone through while they silently complain how busy the roads are. They wait so long at a stop street you might wonder if they will ever move, giving others right of way at the expense of their own progress, despite the long queue of cars backing up behind them. The sticker on their rear bumper reads ‘If you can dream it, you can do it’ but there is no evidence of any forward movement. When they finally put their foot down and black smoke pours from their exhaust, they simply face forward and smile, ignoring the problem. After all, if you think positively maybe it will just go away. Except it doesn’t. Their number plate reads: ‘POLYANNA WP’. 

4. The Assertive Driver

The assertive driver has a clear idea of where they want to go, and why. But they accept that other people on the road are going places too. Assertive drivers indicate clearly when they are turning, changing lanes, or stopping, so no one needs to guess what they will do next. They accept there are roadblocks and accidents, so remain open to taking different routes when required, without changing their destination. They are in control of their own driving choices on the road and are not a victim of other drivers or of the conditions on the road. When they are involved in collisions, as we sometimes are, they deal with it, fix the problem, and move on. It’s just a dent, not a life sentence. Their number plate reads: ‘LETSROCK WP’.

Driving Choices @ Work

In the workplace, you have driving choices throughout your day. They are based on the same two criteria of our Christmas drivers. The first is how you drive, the second is how you relate to the people around you.

A high people orientation shows up in behaviours like good listening, empathy and actively empowering yourself and other people. A low people orientation shows up in poor listening, judging, and belittling other people.

A high driving orientation shows up in behaviours like being proactive, making decisions and getting things done. A low driving orientation shows up being passive and reactive, waiting for things to happen!

Here is an opportunity to assess how you drive most of the time. Since this is not your personality or who you are, it will change from one circumstance to another, or even from one person to another.

The first step to any change is to take stock of where you are now. So, take the time to assess where you go most often, and be aware it may be more than one, or all of them in varying degrees.

1. The Aggressive Driver @ Work

The aggressive driver at work is critical and judgmental, quick to tell other people what to do, without regard for their thoughts and ideas. It’s their way or the highway! Then when things go wrong, they are quick to blame and put other people down. Their listening skills are particularly poor, impatiently hearing only what they want to hear. They regard leadership as a solo performance and are quick to take personal credit for any success they may achieve.

‘But someone has to take charge!’ you say. And that’s true. Making decisions and getting things done still makes the world go round. But aggressive driving creates enemies and disempowers other people along the way. It doesn’t invite others to take initiative and is a sure way to block the potential in other people. Providing strong vision and direction are critical in business. But by bullying, dictating, and demanding, they end up being surrounded by people who have nothing to say. While aggressive drivers can be domineering, they can just as easily be patronising or use sarcasm and snide comments to put people down in front of others. Their way of dealing with differences and conflict is to become domineering, openly critical and threatening to those who disagree with them or won’t toe the line.

Aggressive driving is high on drive, but low on people. From a career perspective, this kind of driving can get you far, but often leaving a trail of people behind you that may be unwilling to stick their necks out for you. It may be time to learn some valuable interpersonal skills, give up needing to have all the answers, so you can work more productively with other people to achieve results. 

2. The Misery Driver @ Work

The misery driver at work engages in varying degrees of misery and helplessness. They are un-co-operative and sulky when things don’t go their way. And rather than communicating problems or disagreements, they give the ‘silent treatment’ so you have to read their minds and body language to know there’s a problem.

Rather than addressing issues with people, they play ‘hate tapes’ in their head, having imaginary conversations with colleagues they hate, which is most of them, except the misery team they complain with.

Misery drivers are idea killers, focusing on what could go wrong rather than what could go right. They have a ready list of reasons why something won’t work, their favourite retorts being: ‘Yes, but…’  or ‘I don’t know what I want, but it’s not that!’

The result is they end up doing very little that someone else hasn’t prescribed. They hide behind policy and the decisions of others. In new decisions, they wait for someone else to make the first move, then complain afterwards it’s not what they wanted. They raise few solutions, and when something goes wrong, they know exactly why it didn’t work, but still have no ideas to fix it. This makes them difficult to work with and to drive with. Their way of dealing with differences and conflict, is to dig their heels in, sabotage projects, or to write scathing mails in which they copy (and blind copy) other people to spread the poison as far as they can.

Misery driving is low on drive, and low on people. It’s like taking poison and hoping someone else will die. The impact on your work and your life is the same. Lack of progress. Lack of movement. Lack of wellbeing.  This unproductive and lonely driving choice is a career killer of all time, that’s if you want to get anywhere.

3. The Pushover Driver @ Work

The pushover driver is not always easy to recognise, since they are helpful and friendly, always willing to go the extra mile. But it’s generally at the expense of meeting their own needs and getting things done. They easily over-commit and make promises they can’t keep.

Pushover Drivers do whatever it takes to please other people. We sometimes refer to this as the ‘Pollyanna’ driver after the children’s story of the same name. The story is about a little girl who is happy all the time and does whatever she can to make other people happy. She plays ‘the glad game’ which is always finding something to be happy about even when she is sad. Like Pollyanna, pushover drivers can be overly optimistic and ignore bad news, which means they often avoid conflict, difficult conversations and setting boundaries. They explain away inconvenient situations, believing that if you just think positively everything will be OK.

Since pushover drivers seeks harmony at all costs, they don’t share ideas and opinions unless they will be popular and acceptable to others. And rather than raise uncomfortable issues, they talk about the problem to people who are not directly affected, creating politics as they do. Their way of dealing with conflict is to avoid it entirely or spread gossip under the guise of caring, so the person who is causing the problem ends up being the last to hear about it.

The pushover driver has great people skills, but is low on drive. Their need to be popular interferes with their ability to be effective. From a career perspective, they have great dreams and promises, but many of the plans they talk about don’t materialise. Dreaming takes the place of making decisions and talking takes the place of getting things done that are important for them. It’s a well-intentioned, but frustrating way to drive for too long.

4. The Assertive Driver @ Work

Assertive drivers in the workplace are easy to spot. They are genuinely interested and engaged, they listen well and invite ideas, and show dignity for other people even where there is disagreement. They consistently achieve results for all stakeholders, not just for themselves.

Assertive drivers build productive relationships in the workplace, but not at the expense of getting things done. They genuinely invite other people’s thoughts and ideas to find the best solutions, which may not be theirs. With their ego out of the way, they ask for help when they need it and acknowledge others who make a contribution. Their purpose is to get the best results, not a feather in their cap for having done it themselves. Assertive drivers are clear about their own needs and are willing to state them clearly. They say what is true for them, without undermining the beliefs of other people in the process. They also surround themselves with people who are different from them and who bring new perspectives, not only people who agree with them.

Assertive drivers are kind to themselves. They recognise their own needs as well as those of other people. They recognise their own need for advancement, for re-charge, or to take action. Together with a clear vision, they have a realistic view of life, which means they aim higher, but accept that failure is not fatal, its simply part of the journey. Their way of dealing with conflict is to raise issues directly and honestly with the persons concerned, with the aim of finding a workable resolution, but without ignoring their own needs.

Assertive driving is high on drive, and high on people. From a career perspective, assertive drivers are willing to take ownership for their personal journey, and don’t blame others, their circumstances, or the ‘system’ for their lack of success.

Driving Shifts @ Work

We are not stuck with our driving pattern. In a world of ‘types’ and ‘styles’, here you get to make choices about how you drive.

Your people skills are not hard coded, nor is your ability to take action. How often have you jumped into action when circumstances change, when the pressure is on or when you have an important deadline. If we weren’t able to make choices about our behaviour, we would not have survived as a human race.

Here are some common behaviour shifts you may identify with.

 The Mad Driver.  When you shift between being an aggressive driver and a misery driver, you stay mad, you just show it differently. When you drive aggressively it comes out of your mouth, when you drive miserably you get mad in your head and communicate your disapproval through body language, disengagement, and even sabotage. Both approaches murder relationships in the workplace, and you end up alienating people who may be willing to help you.

You don’t have to stay mad; you can simply do some more assertive driving. 

The Passive Driver. When you shift between being a pushover and the misery driver, the common feature is that you remain passive. You may be doing what you are told and trying your best, but you don’t take initiative to make things happen. You are constantly frustrated because you are not achieving goals that are important for you because everyone else’s needs are in the way. You can just as easily get in your own way with a lack of focus and not getting things done.  This is a frustrating place to be in your career and can seriously hold you up.

Find ways to become more proactive, do things today rather than next week, set aside time for goals that are important to you, and say ‘No’ occasionally. The world can and will go on without you.

The Unpredictable Driver.  When you shift between being a pushover driver and an aggressive driver, no one is quite sure what to expect. That’s because you allow others to call the shots – until you get mad. Then you throw your toys out of the cot, giving people a piece of your mind, saying things you may later regret. Then you apologise profusely and take on more, till you get mad again. No one knows when you will attack them next, not even you! Not great for building support in your career.

Rather aim to do more assertive driving, then you won’t need to make either of these shifts.

The Stop-Start Driver.  When you shift between being a pushover driver and an assertive driver, you have moments, even days, of assertive brilliance when you are focused, productive, and clear. Then you sink into periods of being unproductive and unfocused. You may often allow people to take advantage of you because it’s just easier and keeps the peace.

You are getting it right sometimes, so keep working at it. Stay focused, be clear about your needs, then take action one item at a time.

The Free Driver. Here you adopt all driving styles depending on the day and the occasion. It even depends on who you are speaking to. This can be tiring and is confusing for others. Even you may not feel you have control of yourself. Your driving choices, or lack of making choices at all, may be sabotaging you without realising it.

Once you have insight into the choices you are making now, you can make new choices to drive in a more assertive and consistent way.

Be careful of over-correcting.  If the way you drive is not serving you well, this is not the time to over-correct. That too can take you into a ditch. If you spend too much time meeting other people’s needs at the expense of your own, don’t overcompensate by becoming self-centred, critical, and dictating. Simply develop better task skills. If you are too aggressive and judgmental, this is not the time to become a doormat. Hang onto your task focus and simply develop better relationship skills.

Building on what you have already is what career development is all about.

Making new choices @ Work

You get to make new choices every day, since your drive and people skills are not fixed.

It may take some time to change, but you only need to do one day at a time, one situation at time, or one person at a time.

And sometimes in the moment you’ll decide to change your approach to achieve a better outcome.

Consider that every time you open your mouth you have a choice. Every time you choose to act or not to act you have a choice. Every time you do a piece of work you have a choice to aim higher even though you may miss it, or to aim low and hit it. You can make things happen or wait for things to happen. You can solve a problem, or you can blame other people and the system. You can listen well, or fake attention. You can speak up or expect other people to read your mind. You can avoid conflict or deal with it constructively. You can raise an issue with a colleague or gossip about them to someone else. You can raise a different opinion or withhold thoughts that may not be popular. You can say yes to everything that comes your way, overcommitting and running yourself into the ground, or you can begin to set productive boundaries.

The good news is you can learn to drive differently.

• You can learn to listen better.
• You can learn to collaborate more actively.
• You can learn to build more productive work relationships.
• You can learn to let go of ‘game-playing’ and raise issues more assertively.
• You can learn to actively empower yourself and other people.
• You can learn to take more focused action.
• You can learn to say no without being unhelpful.
• But that means letting go of your ‘profile,’ upbringing, nationality, and gender. It also means giving up blaming your ‘ex’ or your parents for the behaviour choices you make now.  J.K. Rowling famously said: “There is an expiry date on blaming your parents for steering you in the wrong direction; the moment you are old enough to take the wheel, responsibility lies with you.

In her book ‘The Choice’ Dr Edith Eger, a holocaust survivor and now a world-renowned psychotherapist explains: ‘Aggression is telling other people what to do. Submission is allowing other people to tell you what to do. Assertiveness is telling yourself what to do’.

How assertively do you drive?

Here are some common behaviours of assertive drivers. Assess which you have already embraced in your work life and which you would like to tweak or develop further.

1. Assertive drivers are people focused and results driven. They seek opportunities to empower themselves and other people to achieve results. They are therefore ‘we’ rather than ‘me’ focused.

2. Assertive drivers communicate clearly what they want, where they are going and why. There is no need for double-guessing or hidden agendas within the confines of confidentiality.

3. Assertive drivers do whatever they can to grow themselves and other people. They make every effort to gain insight into themselves and give both positive and constructive negative feedback to help others grow and reach their best potential.

4. Assertive drivers are authentic. They are the same people in different situations, no pre-warning is needed about how they may be ‘today’.

5. Assertive drivers show dignity for other people in every interaction, even where there is disagreement or bad news.

6. Assertive drivers are willing to make unpopular decisions that may be necessary for the business. They are not dependent on approval from other people, and they don’t seek consensus on every issue before they move forward.

7. Assertive drivers are willing to make mistakes, to admit them and to learn from them. They are also willing to accept that others make mistakes in the process of learning.

8. Assertive drivers are willing to stick their necks out to make progress. They don’t hide behind policy or old ways of doing things simply because they are there. They know that systems are there to support the business, not the other way around.

9. Assertive drivers are honest. They are honest with themselves, are honest about their values and are willing to say what needs to be said without in any way belittling or shaming other people.

10. Assertive drivers listen better. They give their full attention to what other people are saying, rather than listening selectively and waiting for their turn to respond, criticise or offer advice. They are therefore able to identify the real issues amidst a sea of information and activity.

11. Assertive drivers truly empower people. They ask more questions, invite contribution and encourage others to presents ideas and to solve problems.

12. Assertive drivers treat other people as individuals. They appreciate that people are different with different capacities for work. They also do not judge or discriminate against anyone for their gender, culture, sexual orientation or background.

13. Assertive drivers are able to manage themselves. They have the emotional intelligence to manage their thinking, their emotions and their behaviour and are well able to regulate themselves in the workplace and beyond.

14. Assertive drivers are more interested in solving the problem at hand than wallowing in the past, naming, blaming and shaming other people. They are focused on what needs to be done rather than who needs to carry the blame.

15. Assertive drivers ask for help. They realise it is not necessary or practical to know everything or to be competent in all things. They also openly acknowledge those who bring solutions.

16. Assertive drivers take ownership for decisions they make without blaming the system, other people, the environment or market conditions for lack of success.

17. Assertive drivers are willing to make tough decisions and pay the price for those decisions without complaining endlessly about how costly they were.

18. Assertive drivers plan and grow people to succeed them. They are under no illusion that they are immortal, indispensable and that the world will indeed go on without them.

19. Assertive drivers are committed to growth and seek opportunities for development and growth for themselves and other people.

20. Assertive drivers are kind to themselves. They treat themselves as importantly as other people and are actively managing themselves, their energy and their well-being. They do whatever it takes to increase their own ability to lead others to results.

21. Assertive drivers realise that perfection is not possible, but that excellence is both a choice and a habit. They therefore nurture excellence in themselves and in those they lead.

Rules of the road

Despite our best efforts, none of us control the roads or the conditions along the way. So welcome to your Local Traffic Department where I have displayed the following Mission statement:

1. Our mission is to put competent and licenced drivers on the road, whether you are a new driver or renewing your licence. We will do our best to test your knowledge and driving skills, but we do not take responsibility for how you drive once you leave our premises. You remain 100% responsible for the choices you make on the road.

2. You are equally not responsible for the choices other people make on the road. We have patrols and speed traps to keep the roads safe and you can call us if you need help. But it is not your responsibility to be the road police and to control what other people do. They make their own choices, the same as you do.

3. You can sometimes influence how other people drive around you. If you shout and hoot you may get aggressive behaviour in return. But if you allow everyone through, you can’t complain that you never seem to get anywhere. There are no guarantees what you do will had an impact on other people, but you certainly increase the chances of a safer and more enjoyable journey for you both.

4. We cannot offer you perfect driving conditions. Together with our colleagues in roadworks, we aim to provide safe and accessible roads. But conditions change and you may still meet potholes in the road, other times a road may be closed altogether. Other times weather conditions will make it difficult to make progress. We will provide warnings as far as we can, but you are going to have to learn how to navigate around poor roads, obstacles, and bad weather days on your own.

5. Accidents do happen, even when you are doing everything right. We suggest you notice what is going on around you to avoid the accidents you can. And if you still end up banging bumpers, we invite you to learn from it, get some panel-beating and move on. You could stay in the garage at home where its safe, but then you wouldn’t be going anywhere, and that’s after all why you have a car.

6. Changing how you drive can take time. That’s because how we drive becomes a habit. But also, because you need to change how you think if you want to change what you do. If you think the road belongs to you, you’ll drive in a way that disregards other people. If you believe you have no right to be on the road, despite having the same right to be there as everyone else, you will end up being apologetic and give way to anyone who seems to have more urgent business than you do. If you believe all roads are a death trap, you may never go out at all.

7. We aim to create optimal conditions for free-flowing traffic on the roads. But we don’t always succeed. If therefore every time the traffic backs up, you consider it a life crisis and throw your toys out of the car, you will do your blood pressure serious harm. And the traffic still won’t move any faster. Sometimes there will be real drama, but most times its on Netflix.

8. We encourage you to take responsibility for your driving, at any time in your life. You are an independent person with individual thoughts and needs, you are not your car, just the driver. That means you need to give up blaming the brand, age, colour, and history of your car. You just need to change the way you drive it.

9. Getting places doesn’t invite you to speed and put yourself and others in danger. If your car is a little slower, it doesn’t mean you can’t get to the same place, even if it takes a little longer. And if your car is fast, that doesn’t give you permission to drive recklessly, or run other people over and leave a trail of dead bodies along your way.

10. We believe focus helps you drive better. You can’t drive and speak on your mobile, and send texts, and light a cigarette and change the music without losing the focus you need to drive. What you focus on grows, so give your driving your full attention, it will help you get further with more confidence and without unnecessary accidents.

11. We believe fun has a sacred dimension. Driving is a serious business, but it’s also fun. So, open the windows, let the hood down, put on your shades and head out into the country. Cars have some practical uses, but if you are not having fun, perhaps you should consider using other forms of transport where you can be the passenger. But you will need to follow only popular routes and will be limited in the places you can go.

12. Avoid the blame game. You can’t control everything that happens on your way. But when you continually look to blame other people, the system, the government in power and the robot lights that were out during load shedding, you lose your power and your ability to make new choices. You are, after all, the driver of your car no matter what is happening around you.

13. Learning to drive takes time and effort, so be patient with yourself and with other drivers on the road. It takes time to gain experience, to learn to deal with obstacles, and gain the confidence you need for the open road.

14. Comparing yourself to other drivers and focusing on where they are going, is a futile exercise. They are not going where you are, and their route will be different. Focus rather on where you are going and how you will get there.

15. Drive safely and enjoy the journey.

Driving in Organisations

Many organisations recognise the need for personal and career leadership. They want a participative, learning, people-driven, high-performance culture.

Culture is not something that lives in silver frames in corporate corridors. It’s how people behave, which means some driving styles are more popular and more rewarded than others.

We know organisations don’t change behaviour; people do. If we want to change culture, we need to change behaviour, the way people drive.

If meetings are simply an opportunity for everyone to report the problem and wait for the head honcho to do all the thinking, that’s part of the culture. If meetings go round in circles for hours, that’s part of the culture. If diaries are scheduled months in advance and everyone is exhausted to the point of burnout, that’s culture.

Successful culture change is not too different from personal change, since it means helping people do things differently.

When organisations seek to develop a more collaborative and results-focused culture, they often have a shopping list that goes something like this.

• We want honesty. We want people to have the conversations they need to have, not only those that are comfortable and easy.
• We want true empowerment. We want people to think, to be accountable, and to drive development for themselves and others.
• We want participation. We want active engagement that invites contribution, problem-solving and focused action.
• We want to focus on results and do better as a business.
• We want to learn from our mistakes. We want to be open to feedback and learn as we try new things.
• We want innovation and excellence.

What they are really asking is that everyone spends more time driving assertively.

But organisations can also over-correct as they seek to create a more productive culture. It might go something like this.

The organisation realises it needs to change the legacy of autocratic management. Employees have learned to say little, not to take any chances, not to raise innovative ideas and not to challenge authority. They say they want to introduce a culture that values people and ideas. So, with air tickets and car hire vouchers in hand, the senior team attend a ‘Power-to-the-people’ type of conference.

They are impressed by the power they could release into their organisation by allowing people the space to think, to share ideas and to be part of decision making. Meetings become more inclusive, and longer. Posters go up about how the company’s biggest asset is their people. New reward schemes recognise people who live their values. Gifts and positive reinforcement abound, even for those who have tried but not succeeded.

But results go down rather than up. The management team after doing their best become increasingly impatient when this “high people culture” doesn’t get the results they had in mind.

So, they have an offsite meeting in the Kruger Park and decide this is not working. It’s time to introduce a high-performance culture! People had their chance to take the initiative and didn’t take it. Now it’s time for business again – if people don’t perform, they’re out!’  

The organisation goes into another round of change with new initiatives to create this so-called high-performance culture. Except they have now lost the people orientation they worked so hard to build.

What a pity when all they needed to do was add a better people orientation to their already clear results focus.

From Soft to Hard skills

Your behaviour choices are not soft skills. They can take you places, or they can sabotage you every step of the way.

The old adage that we hire people for their skills and fire them for their behavioural faults is still very much alive in organisations and business today.

The behaviour choices you make can have a significant impact on your career, so treat them as seriously as every other choice you make.

Read more about our Assertive Leadership Programme: https://www.careerwarriors.co.za/blogs/assertive-leadership/

©Andrew Bramley, December 2022. All Rights Reserved.